I am tired and my heart aches.
I was not born with tough skin. I felt everything as a kid. There are even stories of me telling my mom that I hurt "all the way to my bones" when I didn't get invited to a neighbor's birthday party some Saturday afternoon.
As I got older my ability to weather the disappointment of life got a little better. At least on the outside. On the inside I think I just got used to setting things (stress, loss, difficulty, worry) aside to be dealt with later.
It worked.
I was able to get up and move on after my mom died, to walk through the motions of life when months of infertility turned into years of empty arms... when financial hardship threatened our livelihood more than once, when adoption brought daily uncertainty into our lives... when loss of deep community filled our years with heart loneliness that extended into decades.
I learned to go on. But, I lost myself. I died in the normalcy of the days. I dulled the ache in my heart to the acceptable "ok". Last week... God called out to my wrecked and barren soul. It was a palpable tone.
"Come... Be with me... "
He has probably been calling for months or years. I have not been able to hear well for a while. The words finally got through. Maybe, because I recognized the verse they spoke...
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest (renewal, blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.”
It was the verse God gave to me when I was a 14-year-old girl.
How did he know? How did he know that I would struggle my lifetime with ache, hurt, rest, and trust?. Praise Him that He did. Praise Him for the ache, praise him for the truth, praise Him for His knowing...
I have cried more in the last few days because the ache is awake again. The ache to know Him, to love Him... to allow Him to be with me in the ache. I hunger for the freedom this place brings... freedom of kneeling face to the floor in front of my creator in my loss as a daughter, my failure as a mother, the weakness of my body, the emptiness of my soul, and the hopelessness of plans unfulfilled... and finding Him... finding Him.
It has taken me years to find my way back to the ache, the healing ache where He is truly found in my days and the salve of His healing, and purpose, and filling mend me. I have missed Him.